don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
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I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
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It's blow job season.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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