I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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