I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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