I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
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She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
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I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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