who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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