I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You ruined the universe
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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