God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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