I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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