you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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