The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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