Can i not drive my cunt home
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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