Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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