i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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