I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
