I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
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