I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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