I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
