Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
