Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
