I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
