the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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