you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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