Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
