Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
