I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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