Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
