Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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