Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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