he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
