i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My vagina is officially offended.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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