I'm gonna have a badass scar
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
