I accidentally had phone sex last night
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
