so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i dont even know how to be here
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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