Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
