i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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