So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
