last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
