I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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