Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
