well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
