People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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