I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
