new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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