i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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