seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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