He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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