i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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