new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
