Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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