I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
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I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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