she woke up with a sticky ear
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing