We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire