I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
