he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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