i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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