I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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