I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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