Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
