i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
