Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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